The other night Adam and I watched The Business of Being Born. (You can view the trailer here.) It had been sitting on our Netflix cue for quite some time. And while I really wanted to see it, I kind of didn't want to see it while pregnant because I knew it would Mess With Me. And it did. I did learn some new things from the film, though I have also done a fair amount of reading on birth options and it basically it just confronted me with it all again. I really like the general midwife's philosophy, though when I surprise! got pregnant I just went with what I knew from last time (seeing an OB, delivering in a hospital) because I didn't have much time to think about it ahead of time. And I am kind of a chicken.
I was lucky enough to have an uncomplicated and rather quick labor and delivery with Shea. While everything wasn't exactly as I had hoped, it all turned out fine. The thing is, I didn't feel like I was in control of the situation. Going into labor, I was leaning toward maybe no epidural though I was open the idea. And let's just say that when we arrived at the hospital and I was nearing transition (though no one told me that!) I was pretty much clamoring for the paper on which I was to sign to get some relief. I thought, "I can't do this all night! I'm going to die! Wah wah wah wah!!" But little did I know that I probably wouldn't have had to last all night, as Shea was in speed mode. Shortly after I got my epidural, my nurse checked me and told me that I was already 9 centimeters dilated. Oh. At that point I couldn't complain, because I was feeling reeeeeaaaalllllllyyyy good. SO good. I never needed pitocin and the epidural did not cause me to need other interventions, nor did I have to push for very long. Totally not your slippery slope horror story.
I don't like that I have been conditioned to think that your standard OB-performed hospital birth is my best and only option (though I obviously don't judge anyone who goes that route because I did and possibly will again), and that anything else would be Weird and Crazy or compromising my or my baby's safety. I didn't like not feeling like I was in control of the situation. I don't like how I have been programmed to not view a natural birth as something that I, me! could actually do, that I was made to do it. I don't like feeling so fearful and wishy-washy when so many women around the world (not to mention centuries past) do it and it's completely normal. I don't like having these thoughts consume me right now, seeing as I am already 32 weeks (!) pregnant and timing is not exactly on my side.
So all this to say that I don't really know what to do. The sensible side of me thinks that I should just go with what I already had planned, don't rock the boat, don't be crazy and try to change everything at the last minute. Then I get inspired by reading someone's natural home birth story. Then I think, "I couldn't do that!" Then I kick myself for thinking that. Then I think about switching to a midwife who does hospital deliveries. Then I get overwhelmed by all the logistics, money (have I mentioned that our insurance is not covering this pregnancy?), and all that kind of stuff. I'm lucky to have a husband who supports whatever I want to do (pending that it does not cost a fortune), though I don't know what that is. I feel like I need someone to just tell me what to do since I tend toward the indecisive side.
Maybe this kid will come so fast that I'll end up having her in the front seat of our Accord, who knows. Though maybe she will not be anything like her sister and take her time.
Really, what's with all the unknowns?
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For comparison's sake, 32 weeks with Shea, 32 weeks with Baby Girl 2 (BG2):
I don't see much difference, other than that this time I was lazy and took a crappy picture using Photo Booth.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Birthing Angst
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6 comments:
I read your birth story the other day out of curiosity. I was seething that no one suggested that you were in transition when you asked for relief. I see so many women ask for the epidural not because of the pain they're in now, but the pain they expect to be in. You just needed someone who trusted your ability to do this. You can do it this time - just trust yourself. Midwives and homebirth is way cheaper if you're paying for it yourself. I will always treasure our homebirth with Avery. I truly believe women have to labor and birth where they feel safest - whether at home, hospital, birthing center and around the people that make them feel the safest. It's simply a hormonal thing - your limbic system works best when it feels safe.
Tara, you should give Wendi a call and talk it through with her. It sounds like you still have a lot of questions and concerns both ways. It's never too late to change your mind. And whatever you choose, we will all support you. (She once had a patient who called her from the hospital-she was in labor!)
I think I might have been in transition by the time I got my epidural (with Molly)and I wonder if I could have made it through. (Nah.) I only flirted with the idea of all-natural, but I know what you mean with all the angst! It's TOTALLY the not knowing that makes it difficult. I know people who didn't get to the hospital in time for drugs, super quick labors, and I think "well shoot, if I KNEW it was only going to be a few hours I could totally do it too!"
I want to see that movie! I love your beautiful belly and want one too! Jason wants me to teach this baby how o sleep before we have another!:-)
But, as you just read, I had a midwife in the hospital. I switched to her care around 16 weeks as my ob so did not impress me. You totally have time! And, I KNOW you can do this one naturally - you are a strong woman and I bet this labor will go even faster (hopefully not "born in the Accord" fast!)
Why no insurance coverage?...Hmmm...
I know a midwife around here that takes payment based on what you can afford.
You'll have a great birth! Look at your options, or you'll always wish you had. Or, if you know you want #3 for sure, you can always wait to explore options then and stick with what is comfortable for you know.
I hate making decisions, so I do not envy you!
You still have time to switch to a mid-wife, at least I'd think so. Does your OB not support natural childbirth? I know mine was pretty much up for anything with my first pregnancy, though I was not really interested in trying it with no epidural at the time. Then I had to be induced b/c she stopped growing weeks too early. Anyway, the epidural didn't work for me at all, so I got to experience labor with pitocin with no pain relief...not fun.
So, for this pregnancy, I'd planned on a hospital birth again (b/c seriuosly, my hospital was awesome...it's not a birthing center exactly, but it's a women's hospital), but I wanted to prepare myself for a natural birth since epidurals don't like me, and I wanted to try hypnobirthing. Of course, then we found out it was twins, and that changes things a lot. If they don't hurry up and flip I might end up with a c-section...something I NEVER thought I'd be saying :(.
It's not to late to switch! I did in my third trimester for a lot of the same reasons you spoke of. I don't know where in AZ you are, but I"m in Gilbert and absolutely love my midwife! She delivered my son last year and will be delivering this one in a couple of weeks at St. Joe's Hospital! If you want her number you can email me.
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